In a recent rant, Lohan decides she needs to make public, her desire to patch up herself, and the world. Here is the blow by blow:

In an email written by the 20-year-old actress to friends and lawyers she states she is sick of her portrayal in the media and wants to hold a press conference to state her opinions on “how our society should be educated for the better of our country.”

Translation: I want my over liberalized, whoring, slutting, drug abusing, underage drinking, ginger kid ass to be the norm in America. Of course there is nothing wrong with 10 year old girls wearing thongs, everyone in L.A. does it.

According to the New York Post newspaper, Lindsay writes: “Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me.

Translation: Al Gore really wants to fuck me, or he knows he can not get it up anymore, and just wants to score some nightclub quality cocaine. Either way, cool with me, I love both, and it pays well, cause he can just tell National Enquirer to stop the presses.

“If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK.”

Translation: I an totally hopped on on opiates, and pretty much everything I am thinking right now sounds yummy. As a matter of fact, after I finish this email, I am going to take a pottery class, cause it just sounds like such a great idea.

“I want to hold a press conference. And will do anything necessary to do so.”

Translation: I guess if it came down to it, sure, I would blow Gore, why not. A press conference endorsed by Gore, I would have to be high as a kite to turn that down.

Lindsay says she wants to state her views on “our people”, adding: “Because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see.”

Translation: I know I am the shit, everyone looks up to me. I am soooo under 21, and I get to drink all the time, I just want all the other future sluts out there to know, it’s totally ok, start young, get it out of the way and move on to heavier stuff.

She ranted: “It’s enough already, I’ve had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.

Translation: I am so fucking sick of it. I want to fuck who I want, drink what I want, snort what I want, and pop the pills I want, then puke it all up and start over again. If everyone else does not think this is normal, I will do my best to change that.

“Let’s sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character.

No translation on this one… Maybe we the public should sue you for making yourself a star, and forgetting you have a responsibility to the impressionable minds of young kids out there. Big huge rumors about pills, coke, fucking, throwing up, and whatever other dirty tricks you turn, do not just come from no where. I assure you, there is some truth behind these “rumors”, and the little ones look up to ass hats like you.

“It’s my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be.”

Translation: I am totally selfish, and in love with myself, it’s normal in the circles I travel. If I need to suck a politicians dick or two so people will stop talking about me on the news, it’s totally going to pay off in the long run.

Lindsay’s representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, refused to comment.

Translation: That’s why she gets paid so much, she is a ton more smarter than me.